The cat is out of the bag! I am really messy, so hideously messy that I lost the first draft of this blog. Here we go again:
I am a closet mess, similar to an alcoholic housewife who hides her vodka in the washing machine (I do that too, except in my case I'm hiding it from myself).
So let's start with my car. I am the kind of messy that when I'm driving and see someone I don't know well (or want to impress), I look straight ahead in an attempt to avoid them seeing me in my car because it looks like EL Nino did a drive by last night and I was the only victim. There have even been times on the "Campus" Marina when I've seen an attractive man running by I've walked right by my car for fear of being identified as its owner. The contents of my car generally include: a collection of old coffee cups, cigarette boxes, and perhaps even a rogue undergarment from those good old college days. It's no wonder that on the rare occasion "Lucy Lexus" gets washed, the poor carwash man looks at me and assumes despair. I hang my head, hand him a generous tip, and hope that the next time I return he will be with his family back in his home country.
Let's move on to Thursday through Sunday - 4 days of hard partying. How else is a single girl with boyfriend issues going to get through her 25th year? (Yes, he now wears pleather and clear glasses without the prescription, and I also heard through the grapevine that he is trying to break into the "legging industry" just like our hot mess friend Lindsay. He always had a thing for her, I just never thought it was that. Now I get the role playing). Boys aside, when my girls come over for some wine and highly caloric cuisine, I always first make sure to stash my clothes on every shelf, in every drawer, and in every closet with a closed door. I've even been know to pull a balcony, but that only happened twice (it gets windy in San Francisco, plus we're known for our wet summers). No refrigerator though, I have roomates!
I usually pretend to be as organized as that crazy Rachel Zoe or my pleather wearing ex, but those who truly know me know I'm far more Grey Gardens - just substitute the cat shit with an array of sweaters, socks, and Alice + Olivia dresses (had to check whether that was a "+" or an "and" - fortunately for me I happen to have one on the floor right next to me). Seriously, this mess is a job for Ty Pennington's "Extreme Makeover: Closet Edition". But don't bother calling that fashion catastrophe Niecey Nash from "Clean House" - while I maybe closet messy, I'm anything but dirty.